Attachment Needs: What We All Needed - And Still Need - to Feel Safe and Connected
- Dr. Karma Guindon, RSW
- 4 days ago
- 8 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
Based on the work of Deirdre Fay, MSW
I’m deeply inspired by the work of therapist and author Deirdre Fay. Fay took attachment theory out of the academic world and into real life. She offers something that so many of us have needed for a long time: a clear language for experiences we often feel, but rarely have words for.
Most people know what it’s like to feel unseen, unheard, unimportant, or unsafe- but we don’t grow up learning how to name those needs.Instead, we're diagnosed with a mental illness and/or we’re told things like:
“Don’t be so sensitive”
“Just get over it”
“Other people have it worse”
“You’re too needy”
So we learn to push those needs down.We assume the problem is us, not what we lived through.
Deirdre Fay’s list of attachment needs gives us a way to finally say:“This is what I needed. This is what was missing. This is why I hurt.” It gives language to wounds that are often invisible.And once we can name something, we can begin to heal it.
Below are 10 attachment needs we all carry throughout life. None of them are childish or dramatic.They are basic human needs for safety and connection. There are universal human needs that create secure attachment, and experiences that lead to insecure attachment.
Her list explains, in everyday language, what children actually need to feel safe and connected - and just as importantly, what adults need in their closest relationships. Because attachment isn’t something we outgrow. It’s something we grow from.
If those needs were met frequently and consistently, we developed secure attachment.If those needs were ignored, violated, or met unpredictably, we adapted with insecure attachment - not because we are weak or broken, but because our nervous system did what it had to do to protect us.
Secure attachment doesn’t require perfection. It just requires consistency, safety, and repair.
Safety
We need to feel physically and emotionally safe — not just from danger, but from humiliation, betrayal, injustice, criticism, contempt, or rejection.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
They yell, mock, or shame when a child cries or makes a mistake
Their moods are unpredictable; the child walks on eggshells
The home feels emotionally dangerous more often than safe
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
They threaten to leave during conflict
They use silence, anger, or sarcasm as punishment
You feel unsafe or tense in the relationship more often than not
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They are steady, respectful, and predictable
Even if they lose their temper, they repair afterwards
The child feels safe being themselves
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They can disagree respectfully
They don’t disappear or turn cruel in conflict
You can breathe and relax around them
2. Belonging
Belonging means not just being present, it also means being wanted.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
The child feels like a burden or annoyance
Warmth is rare; criticism or contempt is frequent
The message is “be different and then you’ll be loved”
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
You feel like an afterthought
They show up for others but not for you
You feel pushed away more than welcomed
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They show warmth, interest, and delight
The child feels part of the family, not outside of it
They are glad the child exists
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They make emotional space for you
They include you, choose you, reach for you
You feel wanted, not tolerated
3. Being Seen & Known
Being seen is not about being watched or monitored - it’s about being understood.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
They focus only on behaviour, not emotions
They dismiss feelings (“you’re fine,” “stop crying”)
The child becomes invisible unless they are performing or pleasing
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
They minimize emotions or call you dramatic
They change the subject when you’re upset
You stop sharing because it rarely feels safe
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They notice the child's mood and gently checks in
They stay curious about feelings
The child learns: “my inner world matters”
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They ask how you are and listen to what you say
They notice when something is wrong and they check in
You don’t have to hide your feelings
4. Being Heard & Respected
Every voice deserves dignity.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
Conversations become lectures, interruptions, or mockery
Opinions are dismissed or punished
The child learns their voice has no impact
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
They talk over you or shut you down
Your boundaries aren’t taken seriously - they don't respect when you have a experience or opinion than them or when you say "no:
Communication feels unsafe
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They listen before responding
They take the child’s thoughts and experiences seriously
Disagreements don’t cost connection
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They let you finish your thoughts
They care about your feelings, needs, and boundaries
You feel heard, not silenced
5. Being Valued
We need to matter - not just for what we do, but for who we are.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
Love is conditional on achievement or behaviour
Mistakes bring shame instead of support
The child feels replaceable
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
They take you for granted
They value what you do more than who you are
You feel useful, not loved
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They show warmth even when the child struggles
They celebrate effort, not just outcomes
The child knows: “I matter just because I exist”
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They appreciate you and say so
They notice your presence, not just your tasks
You feel treasured, not used
6. Support for Strengths & Growth
In secure attachment, caregivers don’t shut down potential - they nurture it.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
They criticize more than encourage
Dreams and creativity are dismissed
Mistakes are punished or mocked
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
They minimize achievements
They feel threatened by your growth
They hold you back
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They encourage curiosity and learning
They help you try again after mistakes
They see who you are becoming
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They cheer for your goals
They support your growth instead of shrinking it
You feel expanded, not diminished
7. Protection
Someone safe steps in when there is harm or fear.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
They fail to intervene when the child is hurt or scared
The child is left alone with fear
They learn no one will help
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
They leave you alone in painful moments
They minimize harm done by others
You don’t feel defended or supported
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They step in to stop harm
They are a shield, not a source of danger
You learn your safety matters
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They accept and respect your experience and stand beside you in difficult moments
They protect the connection, not threaten it
You feel safe leaning on them
8. Permission for Vulnerability
Secure attachment needs softness.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
“Stop crying,” “toughen up,” “you’re too sensitive”
Feelings are punished, teased, or ignored
The child learns to be 'strong' instead of honest and authentic
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
They withdraw or become irritated when you’re emotional
Tears or needs make them uncomfortable
You learn to hide your feelings
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They comfort, stay close, and allow emotions
The child learns vulnerability is safe
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They stay present when you’re upset
They offer comfort rather than criticism or unwanted advice
You feel safe being human
9. Structure & Consistency
Predictability calms the nervous system.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
Promises break
Rules and expectations change
Care is unpredictable
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
They disappear, cancel, or go silent
Emotional connection comes and goes
You never know where you stand
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They follow through
They are steady and dependable
The child can relax
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They keep commitments
They are emotionally consistent
You feel secure being close
10. Repair After Rupture
No relationship is perfect. Secure attachment depends on repair.
When a parent does not meet this need most of the time:
Silent treatment, rage, or punishment after conflict
No apologies or reconnection
The child learns conflict equals abandonment
When a partner does not meet this need most of the time:
Stonewalling, defensiveness, denial, blame-shifting, disappearing, retaliating
Problems get buried, not healed
Conflict feels dangerous, not repairable
When a parent meets this need most of the time:
They apologise and reconnect
They talk things through
You learn relationships survive conflict
When a partner meets this need most of the time:
They take responsibility
They listen to understand, apologise, and stay connected
The relationship becomes stronger, not weaker
So why does this matter?
When attachment needs were met most of the time, a child grows up with secure attachment:
They feel lovable
They trust others
Their nervous system can relax
Relationships feel safe
When attachment needs were unmet or unpredictable, this is attachment trauma and a child develop insecure attachment (anxious, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant type):
People-pleasing, difficulty saying no
Hyper-independence
Difficulty trusting
Shutdown or emotional numbness
Fear of conflict or abandonment
Difficulty focusing and concentrating
Self-blame, frequent guilt
Perfectionism
Avoidance
Worry and rumination
These are not flaws.They are survival strategies.Your body protected you.
Attachment Healing and Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR)
DBR is a bottom-up trauma therapy that works where attachment wounds first impact the body - in the brainstem. You can learn more here: What is DBR?
When early attachment needs weren’t met, the nervous system registered and responded to this as a threat to survival. (Because we are social animals reliant on others, especially the mother, for our survival, the brain responds to attachment disruption in the same way it responds to the physical threats. I'll write more about this in another post.)
DBR helps to release those early, sudden, pre-conscious responses so the body can safely process these traumatic experiences and finally feel safe. As the nervous system 'learns' that things are different now:
trust becomes possible
emotions are less overwhelming
connection feels safer
old survival strategies lose their grip
Deep and lasting healing isn't a top-down process, it doesn't happen by forcing yourself to think or act differently. It happens when the nervous system finally receives what it never got: safety, protection, and repair.
Work With Us
If you’d like support with attachment wounds, trauma healing, or nervous-system regulation, you can learn more about our services here:
Contact Us at admin@karmaguindon.com to book a consultation or ask questions.
You are not too much. You are not too late.Your nervous system can learn safety again.
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