Why Understanding Your Attachment Patterns May Not Be Enough
People often come to therapy already knowing a great deal about themselves.
They may understand their attachment patterns or style. They know that they tend to become anxious when someone pulls away, or that they shut down when another person gets too close. They may even know exactly where these patterns came from.
And still, in the moment, the reaction happens.
A partner becomes quiet. Someone's tone changes. A text goes unanswered. There is conflict or a sense that someone is disappointed with us. Suddenly, we are anxious, angry, ashamed, desperate for reassurance, or wanting to get as far away from the other person as possible.
Sometimes people find this incredibly frustrating. I know what's happening. Why can't I stop doing it?
The problem isn't necessarily a lack of insight.
Knowing something and feeling it are not the same thing
We can know that our partner is not our parent. We can know that an unanswered text doesn't mean someone is leaving. We can know that disagreement doesn't mean the relationship is over.
But the parts of the nervous system involved in detecting possible danger are extraordinarily fast. The body can begin responding before our more reflective mind has had much opportunity to weigh in.
This is particularly relevant when earlier relationships have taught the nervous system to be watchful for disconnection.
I’ve written previously about how early disconnection can leave deep imprints of shock and emotional pain.
Here, the question is a little different: what do we do when we already understand the pattern, but our system keeps reacting anyway?
This is one of the places where I find Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) particularly useful.
When the present touches something much older
In DBR, we can work with a very small, present-day moment.
It might be the look on someone's face. A change in tone. The moment you realise someone is pulling away. Or that instant when you feel misunderstood and something inside you shifts.
Rather than moving immediately into the story about what happened, we slow things down.
DBR pays close attention to what happens in the nervous system just before the familiar emotion or reaction takes over. This can allow us to work with something that is usually happening too quickly to notice.
That distinction matters.
If the reaction begins before we've had time to think about what is happening, trying to reason our way out of it afterwards may only take us so far.
“I know all of this, but I still feel it”
I hear versions of this fairly often in therapy.
People can be remarkably insightful about their histories and relationships. They may have spent years thinking about their childhood, reading about attachment, or learning to recognise their triggers.
None of that is wasted. Understanding ourselves matters.
But understanding why a reaction developed and changing the underlying reaction are not necessarily the same process.
Sometimes there is still a very immediate sense of I'm alone, I've done something wrong, I don't matter, or I'm going to be left.
And sometimes there aren't words at all. There is simply a sudden feeling in the body and an urge to do something—withdraw, pursue, defend, appease, shut down.
DBR gives us a way of becoming curious about what is happening underneath that reaction rather than simply trying to control it.
Working with the reaction rather than arguing with it
One of the things I appreciate about DBR is that we don't have to convince the nervous system that it is wrong.
We aren't trying to tell ourselves, There's nothing to worry about. Stop reacting.
Instead, we can carefully follow what the system is already doing.
That may bring us closer to the shock, fear, pain, or aloneness underneath a familiar relationship pattern.
Over time, something that once carried the weight of many earlier experiences may begin to feel more like what it actually is: a difficult moment happening now.
And that can create more room for choice.
We may be able to stay present during disagreement rather than immediately withdrawing. Ask for reassurance rather than becoming overwhelmed by the need for it. Notice someone else's distance without automatically experiencing it as abandonment. Or remain connected to ourselves while also remaining connected to another person.
This is part of how we approach trauma therapy in our practice.
The goal isn't to become someone who never reacts.
It's for the present to have a little less of the past in it.
You may also be interested in:
Comments